I am so thankful I got to see Doug for four days in August of 2020 just seven weeks before he was killed by Ashley.
I am Doug's younger brother Dave. He was a little less than three years older than me, two grades above me in school.
In August of 2020, My son John and I went to Mt. Pleasant SC to see Doug and Eva and go on a fishing trip. Eva called us and wanted us to come out and surprise Doug and go fishing offshore with a good friend who graciously offered to take us. I took the opportunity to spend several days with Doug and get caught up. Doug had rented their house out in Charleston, so he and his dog Sully stayed with John and me in an airbnb since Eva had her own aparment. It was four days I will never forget. I had no idea that he would be killed less than two months later, and our last conversations together were not only extensive and delightful but filled with deep insight into his love for his family and his excitement for the future.
Over the last decades of his career, Doug worked primarily in the defense industry as someone who could match up investors with emerging technology and present it to the relevant branch of the military. There were other related projects and startup companies, but the bulk of his work related to defense. He maintained a top secret or secret clearance from his time as a pilot/electronic warfare aviator in the Navy up until his death. Business partners said that he had a remarkable ability to understand a new technology, present it to both the investors and military buyers, and assist in the process to satisfy all the partners. His background in art and marketing from his entrepreneurial ventures over the years helped him communicate complex ideas in ways that captured the imagination and connected teammates with dramatically different backgrounds and expertises. I learned all of this from his business partners at the memorial service we had in Charleston following his death. He had told me briefly of these aspects of his professional life, but he never went deep enough into the details for me to realize the extent of his activity in these arenas. He was always careful to protect the confidentiality of the concepts and partners in his work, but he was genuinely excited about his work, his partners, his family, and his future.
The four days I got to spend with him were interjected with business calls on several different ventures. We got to enjoy several meals together and coffee on the front porch of the airbnb where we stayed in Mount Pleasant. Here is a short clip of us in the airbnb. John was just waking up, Eva had just gotten to the airbnb and was greeting Sully, and Doug was wrapping up a business call. Doug would be focused completely on the call then eventually wrap up and come sit down in his playful way and visit with us about whatever came up. He was always so easy, such a servant, made me my coffee that morning, always gentle, loving and kind.
This was one of our lunches together, just the two of us. We had an amazing time together, as always, talking about life, the Lord, and what we had been learning in our walk with Christ. It was always remarkable how many similarities we would see in our journeys with Christ. On this trip in particular, it was really astounding.
During one of our conversations, I asked about how things were going with Ashley (his wife, Ashley Benefield). I knew things had been rough - just not how rough. He told me more about the string of lawsuits that Ashley had filed against him, how the hearings had turned out with all of the cases being decisively dismissed, and more about the ways that Ashley had tried to drive him away from her and their daughter. Though he was resigned to the potential loss of their marriage, he told me that she had reached out to him and discussed the potential of getting back together. He was willing to give it one more shot so to speak. She had family property in Maryland, he was opening an office in Maryland, so they planned to move up there together in the coming months with their daughter and Ashley's mother.
After learning all that she had done to him, I was deeply touched by his patience and love for his family. He told me that he wanted to help bring healing to Ashley from trauma that she had endured when she was young and that had caused her to lash out at him. He also wanted to be there for his two daughters - Eva and the daughter he had together with Ashley. Doug had back surgery a few years prior, and I asked him how he was doing physically. He told me that he was in the best shape he had been in for decades. He told me that his desire was to be in great shape to be an older father who was healthy and present for his family in the years to come.
We discussed our work - he with his emerging defense technology and me with my ministry. All of our discussions were colored by what we were learning in our relationship with the Lord. One discussion in particular was very revealing to both of us that has helped me to process his tragic loss of life at the hand of someone he genuinely loved and was trying to serve.
As we were discussing life lessons learned in the recent years, we were marvelling at the similarities in our journeys. I had recently been through a very difficult season with some challenging relational situations with friends followed by a severe heart attack. The heart attack was devastating, but it felt to me like the relational issues would kill me. As I shared my reluctance to ever give up on a relationship, we laughed and laughed as he told me his stories of also not wanting to give up on people - not that it is a laughing matter, but it was remarkable how God had given us both such a common heart in never wanting to give up on a relationship. It comes from a belief in the value of other people and a Holy Spirit-led desire to be faithful in our relationships like the Lord has been faithful to us. We all fail miserably compared to Jesus, but no doubt, this was a desire placed in both of our hearts by Him.
As I look back on Doug's death, it is clear that he would not give up on the relationship with Ashley even to his own demise. In talking to several of his closest friends over the last few years, he was warned repeatedly by them of their concern regarding Ashley's aggression toward him - even telling him that they were concerned for his life. Ashley's attacks continued to escalate, and as Doug would pull back in a moment of healthy boundaries and self-awareness, she would initiate with him to bring him close again. I am confident that with whatever filled Ashley's mind over the course of their relationship, she failed to realize that she had married someone who would truly never give up on her.
Doug was a hero to me. He was an amazing athlete, but he never used his athleticism to intimidate me or anyone I ever knew of. Rather, he was my greatest champion as a younger, less successful athlete. He was a state contender in high school wrestling; I hyperventilated before my first high school wrestling match. Doug was there beside me, not embarassed, but encouraging me that I could do it. He looked out for me in high school and in college, supported my activities, and shared life with me in such memorable and meaningful ways.
He was humble and even listened to me and asked me for input over the years. When I was going through his records after his death (after the investigators released them), I found the one letter I had sent to him in the past 25 years in a file of his keepsakes. It was a letter that I had written to him challenging him on some issues related to some of his beliefs that concerned me at that time in our lives. I did something that would elicit a very angry response from most people - I wrote him a letter challenging him with pages and pages of Bible verses that supported my point. I honestly thought he might get so frustrated with me that he would never want to talk with me again - an irrational thought but real to me in my immaturity. Instead, he called me and thanked me and told me how helpful my insights had been. He would often tell me that it was a turning point in his life, and that just blew me away. To find that letter he had kept in a special place over the years reaffirmed this amazing aspect of who he is. It takes a humble man to admit a mistake, and he never hesitated to do so with me, his younger brother. What an amazing statement of humility to consider a rebuke as a treasure. Yet that is who he is.
Toward the end of that week in August 2020, we went fishing with Eva's friend who took us pretty far out offshore. We had such an amazing time. We caught a few fish, got sunburned, and had a time that we will never forget.
As I think back on Eva's invitation to come see them, I am so thankful that I didn't decide I was "too busy" to come. I would have missed one of the greatest memories of my life with three of the people that I love deeply and one I would never see alive again.