On Monday morning, September 28, 2020, I received a call from my niece Eva asking if I had heard from Doug. Doug sent Bible verses to Eva every morning, he had not on that day, and she was concerned because she couldn't get hold of him. It was not like him to not answer a call from her. I told her I hadn't heard anything. Just then, my cousin Tommie Benefield called, and I told Eva I would talk to Tommie and get back with her.
Tommie was calling to ask if I had heard about Doug. As I was telling him that I hadn't heard anything, we added in a call from Stephanie Murphy, Doug's attorney, who had defended him against his wife Ashley Benefield's repeated allegations and lawsuits that were all ultimately dismissed in court.
I don't remember who said it first, I just remember my state of disbelief and shock upon hearing that Ashley had shot and killed Doug. Stephanie had been notified by the Manatee County Florida Sheriff's office, Stephanie had reached out to Tommie, and now she was telling us both about what she had learned of the situation. Just a couple of minutes into this conversation, Eva called me back, and we added her into our conference call.
Eva immediately asked what was up with her dad. I was so dumbfounded, I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. Before I could muster up the words to answer her, Eva asked/exclaimed, "She killed him didn't she!" I answered her "yes," and we tried to console her while being in our own state of shock.
I really don't remember much after that until I arrived in Tampa Florida on Wednesday afternoon, September 30th. Between the conference call on Monday and arriving in Tampa on Wednesday, I had learned more of the details that led up to the night of the shooting. (Doug had told me in general about his plans to move to Maryland which I described in another blog post, "My Last 4 Days With Doug", but we had not talked since my trip out to see him in August.) Doug had packed up most of his apartment in Bradenton and had made plans with Ashley to move Ashley, their daughter, and Ashley's mom, up to Maryland. Doug would be opening a new office there for one of the companies he was working with.
The plan was to meet Tommie there in Tampa, grab a bite to eat and catch up, then head to Bradenton to get the moving van which had been left in the driveway of Ashley's house where she killed Doug. Tommie had arranged through the Sheriff's department to pick up the van which we would take to Doug's apartment nearby, gather his remaining belongings, and head out that night towards Mount Pleasant SC to meet up with Eva the following day. We got the van packed with Doug's belongings about midnight, drove as far as we could, then got a hotel. We woke up the next morning and met Eva and some other family in Mount Pleasant.
The next couple of days are a blur, but they were filled with time together processing Doug, his life, his death, and how to move forward. Our first priority was to Eva and to help her move forward as best as we could - but there were belongings to consolidate and decisions to be made. We were overwhelmed with grief and would often pause to look at each other in disbelief. Why did this happen? Why would she kill him? We had heard of her claim of self defense, but that just did not fit in any way the man that we all knew and loved. We did our best to make a short-term plan for Eva, as Doug had been providing for her while in college and as she took a break for a semester.
Doug's body was still in Florida following an expedient autopsy, and I just had to see him before he was cremated. I struggled to believe it all, I needed to see him. I made arrangements to view Doug at the crematorium and booked a flight back to Florida where I once again met up with Tommie. We planned to visit with Doug's attorney, Stephanie Murphy, talk to the investigators, and then go see Doug. Once again, everything was a blur during that trip except for key moments and especially my time at the crematorium.
Up until that point, I had not cried, I was just numb. Tommie I went into the office while they brought Doug's body out. I viewed him through a glass window, just his neck and head, as he was covered with a white sheet. As I looked at him, I began to weep and could not stop. After a few minutes, we were instructed that our time was up, and we left the building. My weeping turned into wails as we got into the car. Tommie sat with me while I wept and wailed uncontrollably. I have never experienced anything like that kind of grief and emotional pain.
I had tears and drainage pouring out of my eyes, nose, and mouth, so I took off my shirt and t-shirt to capture it all as I continued to wail loudly. As I did, I had one of the most profound moments of my life.
I had trusted Jesus Christ as my Savior in 1985 through a friend of Doug's that he had met at a Christian student organization in the Fall of 1984. I was living with Doug while we both attended Texas A&M University, and we had found out that our uncle, Tommie Douglas Benefield Sr., a test pilot, had been killed in a B-1 bomber crash. My brother Doug was named after him. Tommie Sr. had been the chief test pilot for Rockwell International and the B-1 program and was killed just weeks before the program became operational. (See an ABC News tribute to Tommie Sr. on YouTube.) Tommie Jr. inherited his dad's love of aviation and is also an accomplished Navy pilot with extensive carrier/fighter background and commercial airliner experience. Tommie's ability to have extreme focus in the midst of shockingly challenging situations was a rock for me during all of this.
The night that I heard about Tommie Sr.'s death, I went out and got drunk, as it was my first fall rush party as President of Doug's and my fraternity, the Aggie Cowboys. Doug went to a Christian student rally to seek a different form of encouragement. Doug met a dear friend that night, Mike Garrett, who encouraged Doug and eventually led me to Christ.
When I met Jesus, my life changed immediately - where I once had an insatiable desire for partying, I now had an insatiable desire to know God. As I read the Bible and got more involved in my church, my life changed dramatically. I dropped out of the fraternity and spent hours reading the Bible and learning to pray. Jesus captivated my heart, and the old destructive habits just fell away. Depression left and joy came in. Where I had felt so lost, I finally had a direction for my life.
Doug graduated and went into the Navy and AOCS (Aviator Officer Candidate School). Over the following decades, we shared with each other about our highest priorities, our Christian faith and our families, as we learned to hear God speak to us through His word about every aspect of life. I graduated and went into the financial world and eventually into Christian ministry. Doug left the Navy and began entrepreneurial endeavors in the Charleston area. The Lord blessed me with a wonderful wife, and we went to see Doug when He moved to Charleston SC and several times thereafter. Doug and I corresponded through key moments of life that were turning points for both of us. He was always larger than life to me, and he was always so gracious, kind, and generous to a fault.
As I sat in the car wailing and gasping for air, I did what I had learned to do all those years ago together in that same season with Doug - pray. My prayers were not out loud in that moment, they were thoughts screamed to God as loud as I could think - I don't know how to explain it better than that. And as I would scream my silent prayers to God in the midst of my wailing, I felt the strong and clear answers of the Lord with each prayer I prayed. I did not hear God's audible voice, but as clearly as I prayed the silent prayers - audible only to my spirit - my spirit heard God's Spirit answer me in a way that I will never forget. It went something like this:
Me: "God, why do I hurt so bad?"
God: "Because you loved him so much."
Me: "Why did I love him so much?"
God's response was not verbal but a series of images and memories that came flooding back in rapid succession. I remembered Doug's laugh as he let go of the "sissy bar" on my first bike ride without training wheels and shouted, "You can do it, just keep pedaling!" I remembered his encouragement at my first high school wrestling match. I remembered my first bagel with cream cheese and grape jelly that he bought for me after a New Year's Eve concert in Austin, Texas, that he had also invited me to and paid for. I remembered my first cup of coffee in college that he made for me, his nice shirts that he let me wear, his coaching me after my first fraternity meeting as President, the bedroom he built for me in a closet in our condo at Texas A&M, and on and on.
While these images were flashing through my mind, I heard the Lord impress me with: "You shared all of your 'firsts' with him." And the conversation with the Lord went on for quite some time. While I wailed, Tommie sat with me with his arm around me, snot was coming out everywhere, and I could barely catch my breath.
Finally, I calmed down, exhausted. I continued to weep, and we left. I'm exhausted just thinking about it again.
Why do we grieve with such pain? It is usually because we lost someone or felt the pain of someone we deeply loved. I had lost both of my parents and some other friends, but nothing had ever hit me like this. God blessed me with two great brothers, and this one, the closest to me in age, was just such an amazing person, such a gift to me, such a rock in my formational years.
Tommie and I headed out to get ready to leave for home. I was still in shock, but the Lord continued to comfort me day by day. He still does to this day.
I grieve Doug's loss so much because I loved him so much. He was strong and an outstanding athlete, but he never used his strength to hurt people - he used it to serve and love people.
Doug just made life richer - so much richer. He had so many unique facets, an amazing artist, a defender of the weak, a visionary, a strength that would comfort you not concern you, a laugh that made everything seem ok, and a way of including you that made you feel deeply loved and appreciated. He understood and appreciated and generously shared his discoveries of the beauty of life. When I was with him, everything just seemed so much more exciting and hopeful. His friendship humbled me, his giftedness amazed me, his kindness comforted me, his strength strengthened me, and his passion for life inspired me.
1 Corinthians 13 describes the love of God that He puts in His children. One of the profound aspects of Godly love is seen verse 7, "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." This aspect of the love that God gives was put on display in Doug in an amazing way. He was patient almost to a fault; he hoped in the Lord and deeply trusted Him with an unshakable optimism; he graciously endured so much suffering on behalf of others as was witnessed in his astounding patience with Ashley; and he genuinely believed the best about others. It can come across as naive or gullible, and in our weakness, that is certainly a danger. This can also make you an easy target for people, but it is truly a great way to live.
I am so thankful to the Lord for the way He reveals His nature through the good we see in other people. I am so thankful for the life I got to share with Doug - such a delight to me, such wonderful and exciting memories shared with someone I admired and appreciated so much. The grief hurts the worst when you lose those you love the most. But praise the Lord for His comfort and the hope in Christ that we will see him again in a little while.
